


The Repercussions Of Life

by proscum



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Smut, Minor Character Death, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-10-15
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:04:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proscum/pseuds/proscum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been 5 and a half months since Gavin's lover, Dan Gruchy, died and Gavin is having trouble accepting this. It feels like his whole life has been turned upside down and he can't think straight. Michael helps him keep grounded.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story might be a bit triggering for people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. So, please refrain from reading this if you think it will trigger you in any way.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is having a very hard time handling Dan's death, even after 5 months.

_"I love you so much, Gavin. I'll be back soon. You won't even know I'm gone." Dan smiled at his teary-eyed lover. His eyes started to fill up as well, but he didn't let them drop. No, he had to be strong for Gavin's sake._

_"Bullocks." Gavin whispered. Dan let out a small breathy laugh and kissed Gavin one last time. And Gavin held onto that kiss. Tried to savor it. Make it last until Christmas when Dan would come home again. "I love you, too, you crazy git."_

Gavin woke up in cold sweat. His room felt like it was 100 degrees, despite the fact that it was the middle of January. His face was wet, although he couldn't decipher if the liquid was sweat or tears. His breath came quick and fickle. Once he was fully awake and aware of where he was, he leaned back into the headboard of his bed, palms meeting his face. Warm, salty liquid poured down his cheeks and this he knew for sure was tears. After all, this was the eighth time this had happened this week. 

And it was always the same dream, too. Although, usually it ends in the day he got the phone call from his mother.

 

_Gavin laughed and took another shot. Geoff was yet again the most drunk pleb in the bar, causing him to tell horribly unintelligible jokes which made Gavin laugh even more then his normal ones. Michael just shook his head and grinned._

_Geoff and Michael had taken him out for drinks, more like dragged him out for drinks, to get his mind off Dan. It had been a month to the day since his departure and Gavin, quite honestly, was worried sick. Dan had told him that the work he was doing wasn't half as bad as some of his other comrades, but Gavin wasn't convinced. After all, Dan was in_ the Army _, how safe could it get?_

 _Michael looked at Gavin with a twinge of sympathy. "Thinking about him again?" Gavin thought about lying, but rendered it no use, so he nodded. Michael gave him a half-smile. "We should prank call Ray since he was to "busy" to come out with us." Michael formed his fingers to make air quotes as he said "busy". Gavin shook his head and Michael shrugged._ _  
_

_Gav felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out to look at the called ID. Staring back at him was a picture of his mum, smiling brightly. He stood and said a few things to Michael before exiting the bar and hitting the "Accept" button._

_"Mum?" Gav heard shaky breathing on the other end and instantly felt something was wrong. "Mum, what's wrong? What happened?" He heard a sharp intake of breath and then..._

_"Gavin, sweetie, Dan...I...he-"_

_"What about Dan, mum?" Gavin held his breath._

_"He passed away."_

 

Gavin stood and ran for the bathroom where he let his stomach empty itself. After about five minutes of hovering over his toilet, he leaned back against the cold tile. He read the time on the clock above the mirror. 5:50 AM, which means the sun will be up in an hour or less. Tears streamed down his cheeks still, it was like they never stopped anymore. Not even when he sleeps. He'd spent years of his life without shedding any tears, but now they're endless. Gavin closed his eyes and fell asleep on his bathroom floor. He has been doing this quite a lot lately. 

He was woken up 2 hours later by a sleepy, but still enthusiastic, Geoff who announced that he needed to be ready in 15 minutes. 

Previously, this would have been more then enough time for Gavin to shower and slip some clothes on, but now giving him an hour was barely enough. And he's sure if he'd just told Geoff about how he'd been feeling lately, he would let him off the hook, but Gavin just wasn't that type of person. So, he drug himself off the tiled floor and slipped on some fresh clothes, not even bothering to run a brush through his hair. He opened his closet for a pair of shoes, a habit of his, and by the time he realized what he was doing, it was too late.

There in front of him was Dan's old hoodie.

 

_"Are you cold?" Dan asked in a concerned voice. Gavin shivered again, but answered with a simple "nah". It was his fault anyways, he was a dope and decided to wear a t-shirt instead of a jumper. When Gav looked over, he saw Dan sliding off his hoodie. By the time he understood what was happening and could protest, it was being pulled gently over his head. It caught on his nose and Dan laughed. Gavin blushed and pulled the hoodie down over his t-shirt. It was about three sizes too big, but it was also toasty._

_"Better?" Dan asked and placed a kiss on Gavin's nose._

Gavin ran to the bathroom again to vomit. By the time he had calmed himself down again, it was 8:30 and Gavin knew he would hear it from his impatient boss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is will be my first ever chaptered Mavin story. And I will do my best to make it enjoyable.  
> I know Gavin is a bit out of character right now, but that's the point, honestly. It's a part of the story, just thought I should mention that.  
> I'll be adding new chapters on my own time and I can't make any promises on exact dates when they will be added, for that I'm sorry.  
> But otherwise, I really hope you enjoy.  
> Also, feedback is widely appreciated. (:


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is getting worst and Michael is starting to notice things.

"I'll be there in a minute." Gavin said impassively. Geoff looked at him and opened his mouth, like he was about to protest, but when he saw the look on his best friends face, he shut it quickly and nodded while stepping out of the car.

Gavin pulled down the passenger sun visor and took a deep breath.

The first month after Dan's death was hard. Very hard. And everyone at work understood that and didn't treat him like they usually do. No jokes or teasing. It was odd and Gavin despised it. So, he learned to fake smile and hold his head up high when all he wanted to do was curl up and sob.  
Gavin sighed and gave himself a smile.

 _Too small,_ He thought.

_Too big._

_Too cheesy._

He rose his hands to his face and pressed his eyes, trying to stop tears from forming. He looked at the person in the mirror. Big smile, bright eyes, rosy cheeks.

It would have to work.

He stepped out of the car and started for the building.

Kara greeted him at the front desk with a "Morning, Gavin", while Michael decided on a "What's up, idiot?" as he stepped into the Achievement Hunter office.

"Got a Minecraft LP to edit." He answered in a tone of fake disgust. In all honesty, he was glad for the Minecraft Let's Play. This would have him for at least 5 hours depending on the length of the content and no one bothers him while he edits. Well, no one except Michael.

"Hit List?" Michael asked. Gavin nodded and slumped down in his chair like this was all just a one, big burden. He flicked on his computer and tapped his fingers as it loaded.

"GTA time, lads and gents." Geoff called as he strutted into the AH office. Gavin turned to him with wide eyes.

"I...what...no. I have Minecaft let's play to edit by tomorrow." Gavin said annoyed. He tried to make his voice as winy as possible. He needed to sound like normal, annoying Gavino Free.  Michael rose a suspicious eyebrow, but let it go.

"Then it's just gonna have to be a long night." Geoff said around the doughnut he had shoved in his mouth. Gavin sighed and closed Final Cut Pro.

 

The next two hours were chaos. Any time they play GTA IV, it's chaos. Gavin was pretty sure the rest of Roosterteeth despised them. Or at least the game.

"GAVIN! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Michael screamed. Jack and Geoff chortled cockily.

"I'm driving, Micool." Gavin said quietly. Michael glanced at him for a moment before directing his eyes back onto the screen.

"WELL STOP FUCKING HITTING THE POLES! GODDAMMIT, WE'RE SO FAR BEHIND THEM NOW!"

They were playing Cop N' Crooks. Everyone's favorite mini game on GTA IV. It was Team Lads versus Team Gents, as usual. This time the Lads took on the role of cops, leaving the Gents as the crooks. Gavin was driving. Ray baled out of the car as soon as he realized Gavin was controlling the vehicle and was now on a motorcycle. He made the right decision to because he was very much closer to catching the Gents then Michael or Gavin. By a landslide.

"I SHOULD HAVE JUST FUCKING FOLLOWED, RAY- GAVIN, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" Michael cursed himself for not baling out when he had the chance. He would surely do it next time.

Although, he tells himself that every single time they play this game, but never goes through with it. He has too much trust in Gavin.

"OH, FUCK! THEY GOT ME!" Ray yelled and then laughed. "Ryan just obliterated me!" Ryan howled with laughter.

"RAY, NO!" Michael screamed. The Gents cheered as they reached their getaway vehicle with plenty time to spare. Michael set down his controller with a light  _thud_. "Goddammit, Gavin."

"Micool, it wasn't my fault, Micool." Gavin pleaded. He was honestly just glad it was over. Michael rolled his eyes and mocked Gavin's accent.

After handing over his recording of the let's play to Ryan, Gavin decided to take an early lunch break before he started editing.

In the kitchen, Miles was eating Cheetos and chatting with Monty who was stealing the orange crisps from Miles' bag when he wasn't paying attention.

Gavin opened the cabinet above the stove and pulled out the last bag of crisps, but a few seconds later decided to put it back considering he wasn't all that hungry. So, he just grabbed a Dr Pepper from the fridge and sat at the round table.

Michael walked in a few minutes later, grabbed the same bag of crisps Gavin had just put back, and sat across from him.

"Why are you so quiet today?" Michael asked while chewing on a crisp.

 _Shit._ "Uh, I'm not." _Nice, Gavin. You complete git._

Gavin cringed at his brain's choice of words. The last time he used the word "git", it was on the day of Dan's departure. 

Michael rose an eyebrow suspiciously and placed another crisp in his gob.

They started at each other in what was awkward silence for Gavin, but a test for Michael. He knew something was wrong with the Brit, he just didn't know what.

"Is it editing? If you're that bothered about it I can do it this wee-"

"No, no, it's not that-I mean, it's fine. I'm fine."

"Okay, what is it then? It's something, Gav, I know you."

 _No, you don't_. A voice whispered in Gavin's head. But Gavin shut it down before the words could escape his lips. But while he was doing this, he let his smile slip and his face twisted into a dejected frown.

Michael furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at the foreigner. It looked like there was a war going on inside his head. And that's when it hit him. Like a ton of bricks.

"Is...is it Dan?" Michael whispered sympathetically. He had leaned in closer like he didn't want Miles or Monty to hear. The Brit was grateful for that.

Gavin tensed up at Dan's name. His fist tightened around the can and he blinked a couple times to hold back the tears that were rushing to cloud his vision. "I...I...n-no." Gavin stood quickly and rushed out of the room, throwing his can in the garbage on the way out.

* * *

 

The next few days were very deviant for Gavin.

  
Gavin was getting worst. Everyone had told him "It gets better, Gav. It gets easier", but it wasn't. It wasn't getting better. It wasn't getting easier.

He was barely sleeping now. Sleep was replaced with memories, tears and vomit. The bags under his eyes grew daily. It got so bad Gavin even resorted to going through Geoff and Griffon's bathroom to find Griffon's concealer. _That's what women used to cover their bags, right?_ He thought as he started at himself in the mirror. Flushed, wet cheeks and thick, dark bag underneath swollen, red eyes.

Trying to keep all this from the Rooster Teeth lads and Griffon was the hardest thing he's ever done. Dodging questions and social gatherings. Lying straight to their faces. He was focusing so much on his secrets that it was hard to concentrate on anything else. He had even buggered up a few let's plays and gotten chewed out for it.

But the worst of it all is that Gavin is starting to slip. He's losing hope. And he stares at the pain killers in his bathroom cabinet, that he never uses, with longing. Only for a second before he closes the door abruptly and cries some more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know about this chapter, so you guys are going to have to give me honest feedback.  
> Otherwise, I hope it was at least half-way decent and somewhat enjoyable. (:


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael tries to get Gavin to talk to him.

It was no secret that Michael and Gavin had a "bromance", but it was a secret that Michael had actual feelings for his foreign friend.

Michael knew Gavin. And he knew something was wrong. Very, very wrong.

His laugh wasn't the same.

That sounds rather stupid, but it's the truth. Gavin wasn't laughing like he used to. That laugh with the little squeaking noises, that was gone. Replaced by a dull giggle.

His smile, that Michael absolutely adored (although he would never admit it), wasn't as bright. Hell, it wasn't bright at all.

And his eyes, those beautiful blue-green eyes, we're faded and constantly glassy. Underneath those eyes was a pale tone, a tone that was very much lighter than the rest of Gavin's skin. And he realized one day that Gavin had been wearing make-up, as it rubbed off throughout the day. _Not very good make-up._ Michael thought as he sat on his couch playing Deadpool. And thinking. He had started the game only because he was trying to distract himself. These constant thoughts of Gavin were not okay and he did not want them. He got killed again and threw his controller onto the cushion next to him. He rubbed his eyes and sighed.

Michael was well aware that his best friend was not "fine", as he put it. And it hurt that Gavin wouldn't talk to him. Made him angry even.  
He pulled his phone from his right, front pocket and scrolled through his contacts until he saw Gavin's small contact picture on his screen. It was a picture from one of the many days they had gone rafting with Lindsay and Barbara. He pressed a button and then held the phone up to his ear to hear the ringing.

"Hello?", came a worn out voice in the receiver. Michael cringed at the hoarse tone and thought about asking Gavin how he was for the thousandth time today. But he shook off the worry and sympathy quickly.

"Meet me at Jersey Mike's in a hour." Michael said firmly. His tone was unyielding and Gavin was taken aback.

"I-I can't. I have a-" Michael cut Gavin off before he could make up some overused excuse about all the Minecraft he has to edit. It seemed to be the Brit's favorite alibi.

"Great, see you in an hour." And he hung up quickly.

* * *

 

Michael didn't know it was possible for his heart to pound so hard.

He was sitting in his car in front of Jersey Mike's, attentively looking for Geoff's car to pull into the parking lot.

 _What's taking him so long?_ Michael wondered as he tapped his fingers in a rhythm against the steering wheel. He'd been sitting here for at least twenty minutes. Okay, twenty minutes on the dot, he'd been counting.

Michael has no idea why he was so anxious about this lunch dat- lunch with Gavin. Not a lunch date. Why would he even think that? Lunch with Gavin was something he'd done many times before and he'd never been this irritated while waiting for Gav to arrive.

A few minutes later, six specifically, Gavin rounded the corner of a near by apartment building. He was on foot. Michael spotted him instantly and waited a few seconds before scrambled out of his car.

The two met at the door of the restaurant (if you could even call it that). Gavin was wearing a thick hoodie, one that he'd never seen before, which was peculiar in a way. Michael and Gavin have been friends almost a year now. It may not seem like a long time, but when you see each other practically everyday, it adds up. In that thought, Michael was almost one hundred percent sure he'd seen every single piece of clothing that Gavin ever owned.

"Hey," Michael smiled invitingly, but Gavin was looking down at his shoes, kicking around a small rock, hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Hey." Gavin's voice was even worse in person. The gravelly tone made Michael's smile falter and his heart sink a bit.

They stood there like that for a few moments. Gavin eyeing the ground while Michael yearned for his best friend back. The annoying accented, jokster that he knew and love- _liked_. When Michael snapped back to reality, he realized that the Jersey Mike's employees were staring them down waiting for them to come inside and order something. Typically, Michael would have given a shit, but he came here with a motive and a mission. "We should go inside."

Gavin nodded, but it wasn't a question. Michael held the door for the Brit and then followed behind quickly.

"Hi, welcome to Jersey Mike's. May I take you order?" A bright redhead beamed behind the counter. Her eyes traveled from Michael to Gavin in one swift motion. She decided to settle them on Gavin. Michael rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"I'll have a Club Sub and a medium Pepsi." The redhead- Michael eyed her name tag, Rachel pressed a few buttons on the screen in front of her and then directed her eyes back to Gavin who was still staring at his shoes. _Must be some pretty interesting shoes._ Michael thought, but didn't dare say. If all of this was about Dan, which he wasn't sure, he'd have to keep the teasing to a minimum.

"For you, sir?" The desirable tone in her voice made Michael clench his jaw. Rachel was tugging on his last nerve.

"I'll just have a medium Sprite." Gavin mumbled. Rachel rose an obviously well cared for eyebrow.

"Are you sure, sir? We have a wide variety of things." She leaned forward, palms resting next to the register. He cleavage was practically hanging out of the light blue uniform. Gavin scratched his arm uncomfortably.

"Just give him the Sprite, _Rachel_. " Don't get him wrong, he wanted Gavin to eat. He really did, but this Rachel was pushing his buttons and she had just pushed the last one. She shot him a detesting glare and Michael shot her one back. He stepped a bit closer to the brunette beside him, falsely claiming Gavin as his own. She eventually caught on and resigned from the silent competition.

Gavin was oblivious to what had just happened as he toyed with the hem of his hoodie.

They sat at the table farthest from the door once they had received their food, or rather Michael had received his.

"She was flirting with you." Michael said vague as he unwrapped his sandwich.

"What?" Gavin look at Michael through the pieces of his hair that had fallen into his face. Michael smiled at the naive foreigner.

"Rachel." Gavin looked more confused then ever. "The girl who took our order."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You didn't notice?" Michael looked at Gavin inquiringly. Gavin was never good with girls, but she was practically handing him a free card to sex on a silver plater. But Gavin just shook his head in the negative. Michael let out a breathy laugh.

They sat in silence for a few minutes after that.

Michael looked at Gavin every once in a while, when he was sure that the Brit was looking somewhere else. Gavin was getting worst and he felt like the only one who was noticing. He put down his sub.

"Are you okay?" This was Gavin's last chance to tell him what was going on. His last chance before Michael forced it out of him. Gavin shot his eyes at Michael.

"Yeah, I'm-I'm fine." He gave a weak smile. That dull smile. Michael was done.

"No, you're not."

"Yes-"

"No! I'm sick of this! It's been going on for- what? Fucking weeks now?" Michael yelled. Gavin looked around nervously.

"Mich-"

"You're not acting the same! You're not being fucking Gavin! You're being someone else!" Michael opened his mouth to say something else, but his words faltered and he leaned back into his seat.

The rest of the place was empty, not the Michael really cared. He looked behind him and saw Rachel turn around quickly, pretending that she wasn't watching them. When he turned back, Gavin was standing up.

"Where are you going?" Michael said carefully. Gavin shot him a glassy eyed glare.

"You _don't_ know me." He whispered shakily.

And with that, he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to try Michael's point of view.  
> I honestly don't know how I did, but I guess I never do. I tried, though, so that has to be enough.  
> Obviously, Michael is a bit out of character, considering anyone would be if their best friend was drifting away from them at this speed.  
> But yeah, feedback is widely appreciated. (:


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is getting even worst. And Michael is getting even more worried. So is Griffon.

_"Why me?" Gavin wondered aloud. He was curled into Dan's chest, listening and feeling the steady heartbeats underneath his finger tips. His lovers breath came slowly and certain against his forehead. Dan had fallen asleep ages ago, or so Gavin thought._

_"Because I love you," came a drowsy voice. Gavin smiled against Dan's skin and shuffled closer to his warmth. Dan wrapped his arms tightly around Gav's slim figure and tangled his legs with the brunette's._

_"I love you, too." And Dan smiled as he drifted into unconsciousness._

Gavin opened his eyes, tears already streaming. He was pouring sweat underneath the hoodie he had been wearing all weekend. Dan's hoodie, of course. He leaned over the side of his bed, instinctively, and retched dryly. Nothing came up because, well, there was nothing. Gavin collapsed back onto his clammy pillow and let out a quiet sob. His fist held on tightly to the soft fabric surrounding his torso. It still smelt of Dan, barely though. Gavin dreaded the day when he would bring the black cotton to his nose and only smell himself. 

Sunrise peaked through Gavin's blinds which, like a strict mother, made him look up at his alarm clock. The clock read 7:25 and Gavin knew that it was time to get up. So, he braced his palm against the mattress and pushed his body upright, or at least tried. His arms wobbled a bit before he collapsed back into his pillow. It took him an immense five minutes to even pull himself to his feet, where he shakily carried himself to the bathroom and stripped before stepping into the frigid water. Geoff and Griffon must have used up all the hot water, again. Previously, Gavin would have bitterly stomped over to Geoff's house in only a towel to snap at them, but now that would just be a selfish waste of needed energy. So, he washed himself in freezing waters and stepped out into the similar temperatured air. 

He wrapped a towel around his slim waist and turned to the mirror. When he saw his reflection, his jaw tensed. There were bruises all up and down his arms. Mostly from throwing and breaking things, but some his own doing. Eyes red, swollen, and bruised underneath. And lips chewed and chapped. Tears started to well in his eyes as his phone rang.

The iPhone was pretty thwarted, but still worked surprisingly. It had one immense crack down the middle and little scratches accompanying it. Gavin read the caller ID.

 _Mogar -_ in big, white writing. Beside it was a picture of Michael from one of their many swimming adventures. Gavin quickly hit " _Decline_ " and threw it on his bed. This was the twenty fourth time Michael had called him since...their "incident". Along with around thirty eight text messages and two Xbox messages. Gavin sat next to his busted phone and sighed while rubbing his bruised arm.

 

When Gavin entered the Ramsey's kitchen, Griffon was sitting with Millie looking over her homework from the previous night, while Geoff was pouring bowls of what looked to be Fruit Loops. Geoff caught sight of the Brit and smiled.

"Ey, grab a bowl. It's cereal morning according to Millie." Gavin looked at Millie who was nodding vigorously. He gave a small smile, but shook his head. His stomach growled in protest, but he was sure that even if he did have some breakfast, it wouldn't stay down for long. He sat across from Millie and groaned as a wave of nausea coursed through him. Griffon looked up then. Her face fell as she looked at him.

"Gav, are you alright?" She asked, concerned written all over her face and stood to walk over to him. Gavin recovered his false smile and waved her off. He had forgotten to apply concealer this morning and he cursed himself internally.

"Yeah, I'm top." But his gruff tone betrayed his words and Griffon was already pressing the back of her petite hand against Gavin's forehead. He felt like a child, Griffon being his mother.

"No, you're not. You're burning up. Geoff, he's burning up." Griffon getting more and more concerned by the second. Geoff rolled his eyes as he set a bowl in front of Millie. She smiled gratefully and devoured the colorful cereal.

"He should take that hoodie off then." Geoff grumbled as he moved to grab another bowl. Gavin's eyes went wide at Geoff's words.

"No!" Griffon and Geoff gave him odd looks and he quickly tried to recover his words, "I-I mean, I'm cold." Griffon's eyes flickered with suspicion.

"Gavin, you're  _burning up_. You're  _sweating_. And look at how pale you are! Geoff, he is not going to work today," She looked between Geoff and Gavin quickly, "you  _are not_  going to work today."

"Griff, I'm fine-" Griffon cut him off with a sharp glare and he quickly closed his mouth. Geoff set two bowls on the table and then sat on the other side of Millie. 

"He said he's fine, Griff." Geoff said nonchalantly as he chewed. Griffon rolled her eyes.

"He's not going. It's done." And she sat back down. Gavin toyed with the silver zipper at the bottom of the hoodie awkwardly.

* * *

Geoff walked into the Achievement Hunter office with a loud sigh. Michael spun his chair around quickly.

Michael hadn't talked to Gavin since...the "incident" and he was genuinely worried. Gavin hadn't answered any of his texts or calls or even his Xbox messages. So, when Geoff walked into the office without the Brit trailing behind him, Michael was unhinged. 

"Geoff," Michael tapped Geoff's shoulder lightly as he set his stuff down on his desk. He turned around and smiled.

"Ey, what's up?" Geoff sat and logged onto his computer.

"Um, where's Gav?" Michael asked, trying to suppress his uneasiness. 

"Sick. Griffon made him stay home." Michael let out a breath of relief. Although, he really didn't know what he was worried about. Or maybe he just didn't want to think about it. He started back to his desk, but stopped in his tracks.

"Hey, Geoff," Maybe it was time to tell Geoff about his worries. Geoff turned around, eyebrows raised, waiting for Michael to speak, "I think-" Ray cut Michael off mid-sentence as he burst into the room singing Train Simulator Bitch at the top of his lungs.

"Trian simulator, bitch! Motherfucker, what you know? Train simulator, bitch! Watch that train go!" Geoff shook his head and laughed until he turned red. Jack, Ryan, and Caleb entered the office just a few minutes later.

The room was bustling with people as Geoff leaned over, "What was that you were going to say?" Michael just shook his head and waved him off.

"Nothing important." But it was important, he later found out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay or nay?  
> I kind of like this chapter. Wow, I actually like one of my own pieces of writing. But that doesn't mean that it's actually good.  
> So, per-usual, feedback is widely appreciated. (:


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin gives up and Geoff joins the worry club.

Gavin took a deep breath.

He was standing in front of his bathroom mirror, running his fingers through his hair. The unkempt, dirty blond strands on the top of his head of which some loved and others hated. Of which he was known for never bothering with, or giving a second thought. 

He exhaled slowly and switched on the razor in his hand. It started with a jolt and gave off a soft buzzing sound. He held the animated object in his right hand and slowly carried it to his hair line. 

Gavin watched as clusters of tangled fluff fell easily into the sink below. He felt like he had put himself on autopilot as he stared thoughtlessly at his reflection. When the buzzing noise came to a halt, Gavin set down the machine and faintly ran his fingertips across the pointed bristles that were left in the spots where soft strands used to lay. He avoided the few spots were had nicked himself carelessly. His eyes fell to the sink, where the strands lied in batches. Gavin picked up a thin fiber and clenched his jaw as another memory rushed upon him.

 

_Gavin was in paradise. Or at least, his version of it._

_He was lying with his back to his boyfriend, but their legs intertwined. Something they always did._

_Gavin was certain that his dark-haired lover was still asleep by the way his breath hit Gav's bare back gently. He smiled and huddled in closer to the warmth._

_"Last night was incredible," a heavy, but content voice whispered. Gavin shivered as he felt the words being spoken. He turned around, smile growing by the second._

_"It was, wasn't it?" He grinned as he saw Dan's eyes open ever so slightly and an amused smile dance on his lips. The sun poured through the thin curtains and hit his face perfectly. Gavin pressed himself against Dan's toned, exposed chest._

_Dan rose his hand to Gavin's face and ran his thumb across the blonde's cheek. Gavin pressed into Dan's palm and closed his eyes, trying to remember the moment forever. The moment ended quickly though, as Dan tangled his hand into Gavin's hair instead. It was something he always did, Gavin had noticed._

_Any chance Dan had to run his fingers through Gavin's hair, he would take it. Twisting the pieces and slipping his fingers through the silk-like tresses. And sometimes his fingers would get caught in the confusion on top of his boyfriend's head, but Gavin didn't care. Though, he was quite curious._

_"Why do you faff with my hair so much?" Gavin asked in a rush. He had to blurt it out now, or he never would. Dan looked taken aback for a moment before he grinned and placed a kiss on Gavin's lips._

_He laughed and said, "Because it's weird." It was Gavin's turn to be surprised, and a little bit hurt. Dan scanned Gav's face and quickly tried to recovery his words, "Not in a bad way, B. I play with your hair because it's soft and it sticks up everywhere. And you don't even need to brush it sometimes, I know you don't," Gavin blushed, "and I've never met anyone with hair like yours. And I love it. I love you." Gavin smirked and pecked Dan's lips._

_"You cheeky bastard."  Dan laughed and shook his head as he tugged at a blond lock._

 

Gavin couldn't breathe. He gasped, but no air met his lungs. He fell to his knees as he convulsed and coughed. Once he had caught his breath, he braced himself on the bathtub to stand up. 

He looked through the doorframe and into his bedroom where his alarm clock rested on the nightstand. When he looked back at his reflection, his hand was already on the cabinet door, pulling lightly. It opened to reveal only a toothbrush and an orange bottle. Gavin's breath picked up as his hand curled around the bottle, bringing it towards him. He unscrewed the white cap gradually and placed it beside the sink. Inside sat a slew of pills, all of different color and mass. He had been collecting them. Saving them.

He placed them back inside the small space and closed the door abruptly.

They were for another time.

* * *

The next day was not Gavin's best. 

He woke at two in the morning after going to bed at midnight and stayed up the rest of the night, editing Minecraft that wasn't even due for another month, but he figured he might as well do it now so someone else didn't have to later when he was gone.

Six hours later, he ate breakfast with Millie, Griffon, and Geoff. Griffon was horrified at the loss of his hair while Geoff didn't give it another thought. Millie had a ball rubbing her fingers across the bristles. Griffon was still convinced that he was sick, but gave in to letting him go to work. Gavin should have been grateful, but felt defeated instead.

At nine am, he arrived at work. It was the first day he'd have to see Michael since "the incident" and he wasn't looking forward to it. But when Michael arrived, he didn't say a word. Didn't even look at his British best friend. Ray arrived shortly after Michael.

"Hey, Geoff. Hey, Gav- Woah." Ray gaped at Gavin. Gav looked around awkwardly as Ray's eyes darted across his face. Eventually, he closed his mouth and smirked, "So, you fall asleep during a haircut, too?" Gavin rolled his eyes and gave a small, impassive smile.

"Gav, let's build the thing." 

Geoff spoke from across the office. It was vague, but the Brit understood and nodded, not that Geoff could see him, and started up his Xbox.

"The thing, huh?" Ray questioned, not looking up from his computer screen. Geoff rolled his eyes.

"Not telling you. It's a secret one." Geoff picked up his controller from the desk and pressed a few buttons. Michael rose an eyebrow.

"Why are you doing it at the office then?" He said, turning to face Geoff. Geoff shrugged.

"No other times when we can get it done." Michael accepted the answer and turned back to his desk. Ray, however, was not satisfied. 

"Tell me, please Geoff." He was staring at Geoff's screen now, although it was only a title screen. Geoff laughed, but shook his head.

"Nope." Ray grumbled something to himself and picked up the bag of crisps on his desk. Michael heard and chuckled to himself lightly.

* * *

Gavin was never a worry to Geoff.

Sure, he was a moron and sure, he was careless sometimes. But Gavin was not one for emotions. 

Geoff had never seen Gavin cry. Not once. It amazed him, really because he himself cries like a little girl. Although, Geoff had seen Gavin upset before, I mean, his boyfriend got killed; of course he was dismal for a couple weeks. But rather than that, Gavin had never been agitated about something for more than a week.

It was convenient, actually. Someone you could play pranks on and not get a long term grudge out of it. Someone you could talk to without all the "It'll be okay" bullshit. And no matter how much Geoff would complain, Gavin was truly his best friend. Geoff knew Gavin better than anyone.

And while the Brit and the American built the next Minecraft Let's Play, Geoff was worried. 

Gavin was different, to say the least. He was reserved and soft-spoken. Geoff often had to remind him to speak louder into the pop filter. Gavin was day dreaming, it seemed because every so often his Minecraft character would pause in the middle of placing a block and just stand. Geoff had to snap him out of it many times. 

It was a weird feeling, being worried about Gavin. 

Two hours later, after they had put the finishing touches on the structure of what they called "Lava Wall", Geoff turned to Gavin. Arms cross intimidatingly, but eyes perturbed. Gavin didn't even look up from his controller, as he placed it in its rightful spot. Geoff stared at the Brit until he turned around.

Gavin gave a small smile, "What?" Geoff uncrossed his arms and scooted his chair across the room. 

"What's up?" Geoff asked. Gavin shrugged, taking apart his microphone set up. 

"Not much, just finished building in Minecraft, you?" Gavin asked mockingly. Geoff rolled his eyes towards the blond.

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant, are you okay?" At this, Gavin looked up at Geoff, only to turn back to his desk quickly.

"No." He muttered under his breath. Geoff leaned towards Gavin, as a signal to speak louder. "I said, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Gavin shot the American a small smile. The one he had practiced so many times. And that's all it took to get someone to back off. To think you're doing fine. 

Because Gavin Free is always fine. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to get out, my computer just hates me. But I got a new one so chapters should be out more frequently.  
> Okay, so, the next chapter is a really big chapter. Breaking point of the story, kind of. So, give me a couples days to finish that one. It has to be as good as I can possibly make it.  
> Anyways, the Let's Build I was talking about in this chapter is Let's Build Lava Wall Part 1 & 2.  
> I hope you enjoyed it. And feedback is widely appreciated. (:


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin hits rock bottom, and Michael has a bad feeling.

He shaved his hair off.

The silky, golden locks were gone. Barbed bristles in their place. And it made Michael angry, so angry, but amongst the anger was also the constant worry. It was always there, in the back of his mind. He'd find himself subconsciously texting the Brit sometimes, but he'd never press send. His finger hovered over the "send" button multiple times. Once he even pressed the button, but hit cancel before it could go through.

It made him crazy. He had never been this caught up in his life. Especially never about another guy. And most certainly never a gay guy.

Michael twiddled his thumb over his phone as he stared into oblivion.

"What the fuck are you staring at?" Ray asked curiously. Michael snapped out of his trace and snapped his head to the left where an amused Ray was staring back at him.

"I,uh, nothing." Ray rose as eyebrow, but turned back to his screen and typed something quickly. Michael looked at his own screen and clicked on the tweet Ray had made only a mere second ago.

 _Michael is spacing out._ It read. Attached to it was a picture Ray must've taken while Michael was zoned out with an added galaxy background. Michael rolled his eyes as Ray laughed. Once the laughter died, Ray turned towards the redhead. "But really, what's up?"

Michael chewed his lip as he contemplated an answer. After all, he should tell someone about his worries. But before Michael could even open his mouth, Ryan came stumbling in the room with pop filters and a turmoil of cords.

"Uh, a little help?" He managed to say as wrestled with the tangled wires. Michael and Ray grabbed two pop filters each, leaving Ryan with only his enormous bundle of cords.

Gavin followed into the room shortly after and sat quietly at his desk.

Gavin hadn't said a word to Michael since the incident at Jersey Mike's and Michael would be damned if he was the first person to break. So, he averted his eyes from the tall British boy and focused on his editing.

* * *

 

"Gav, have you edited Creeper Census yet?" Gavin snapped his head up on Geoff's question. He felt his stomach drop and his heart pick up pace.

"I-I, um, didn't know that one was th-this week." Gavin stuttered. Geoff shrugged, but smiled.

"That's fine, we'll do a team challenge this week." And with that, the American was gone. Gavin exhaled, but his heart did not slow pace. He stood and walked to the bathroom where he shut the door tightly behind him.

He moved in front of the mirror, bracing himself on the sink. His breath was hitched and uneven, head pounding. Gavin sunk to the floor slowly and ended up on his knees. The stone, hard tile left early bruises on his knees, but that was the least of Gavin's problems right now.

The tears started to spill and Gavin looked at himself in the murky, grimy bathroom mirror.

_You fucking useless wimp. Crying over something that happened six months ago, ha. You're so fucking useless. No one needs you anymore, Gavin. No one will ever love you like Dan did._

The ringing in Gavin's head was getting immeasurably powerful. He let out a soft cry.

That's when he heard the door click open.

There, standing in front of him, was Geoff. He watched as his best friend's smile faltered into a confused glare.

"Gavin- Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here. I'll just-" Geoff turned around to walk back out, but Gavin stopped him.

"No!" Geoff looked back, waiting for Gavin to say something, anything else. Maybe something that would explain why he was sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. "I-I'm done in here."

And Gavin was gone.

He bolted past Geoff, who uselessly called after the Brit. Gavin wiped furiously at his eyes, yet the tears refused to stop flowing.

He found himself in the Achievement Hunter office. Everyone was out for lunch and he had the room to himself, ultimately.

Gavin paced the room for a few minutes, minutes that seemed like hours.

"Stop crying, Gavin. Stop it. You're a fucking 25 year old man. Stop. Crying." He muttered to himself, but this only made the tears come faster. He slumped onto the cream colored couch and brought a pillow to his face.

* * *

 

Michael woke up early the next day.

6 AM, to be exact. Michael groaned at the time and rolled to the right side of the bed. He refused to get up that briefly, but after 15 minutes of staring at the ceiling, he decided anything would be better.

So, there he was. Stood in his kitchen, drinking a fresh cup of coffee at 6:20 AM when a wave of sickness came over him. A chill that made him brace the countertop firmly.

The sickness churned in his stomach, making him regret the coffee immediately.

Michael ran to the bathroom and retched until nothing was leftover. And then retched dryly.

He leaned back then, against the chilled wall.

It was going to be a harsh day.

 

That day, Gavin was not at work.

"Where's Gavin?" Ray called as Geoff entered the office. Geoff shrugged, but had a look of distress in his eyes. Michael studied his boss as he sat at his desk, fidgeting with his phone.

Michael averted his eyes then and slipped on his headphones.

"Michael, can we, uh, talk?" Geoff had seated himself at Gavin's desk, he was still fidgeting with his phone. It was odd.

"Yeah, sure. What's up?" But Geoff didn't relax then. He stood and pushed the seat back under the desk.

"Um, outside?" He suggested. Michael nodded and followed the 38 year old out of the building.

They stopped when they were at the left side of the building. Geoff was still unnerved and, honestly, it made Michael uneasy.

Geoff Ramsey is the chill one. The relaxed one. And Michael had never seen Geoff this agitated. It made him just as apprehensive.

"So, what's up?" Geoff tapped his fingers against his phone.

"It's- It's Gavin." Michael's heart stopped in that moment. A million thoughts ran through his head.

_Is Gavin dead?_

_No, Gavin's not dead, idiot._

_Is Gavin hurt?_

_Is he sick?_

"What about Gavin?" Michael asked shakily. Geoff shifted his weight from one leg to another. "Geoff, is he okay?"

"I-I don't know." Michael rubbed his hand across his face, subtly wiping away anxious sweat. "He won't answer his phone and yesterday I waked in on him- He was crying in the bathroom." Michael ran his fingers through his hair as the same wave of sickness returned from this morning.

"He's been acting weird for a while now Geoff." Geoff was texting someone, supposedly Gavin. "I have to- I'll see if I can get a hold of him."

Michael ran inside the building and into the office. He ransacked his own desk in search of his phone.

"Fuck!" He shouted. His desk was chaotic by the time he found his phone, which was not on the desk at all, but in his pocket. He dialed the Brit's number and paced the room.

"Come on! Pick up, pick up, pick up!" And that's when he saw it.

Sticking out from underneath his computer monitor was an insufficient, ivory piece of torn paper. He grabbed it, dial tone still ringing in his ear.

" _To My Little Michael"_  it read on the front. Michael's breath hitched.

And he unfolded the letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm, cliffhanger.  
> Guys, I cannot stress enough how sorry I am it took me a month to get this out.  
> It's been a rough month, I guess. But that's no excuse and I'm sorry.  
> But, anyways, I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Feedback is, as always, widely appreciated. (:


	7. Chapter 7

_To My Little Michael,_

Michael opened the letter.

 

          _Impassive. Apathetic. Stoic._

_All words that could be used to describe myself._

_I was the guy that you could go out for drinks with, have a top time, but also the guy you could count on to listen when you'd had one to many shots and reality came to slap you in the face._

__

Michael gave a deadpan chuckle. 

 

_But that is all gone now._

_I can no longer put up this facade of contentment when really I'm just crumbling apart._

_And I could make this poetic. Make my last words count. But when it really comes down to it, none of this matters. Me writing you this letter is pointless, but for some fucking reason, I couldn't leave this goddamn office without leaving you something. Because you're my boy, Michael. The best friend I've ever had. It sounds absolutely ridiculous now that I'm reading my words aloud, but it's accurate._

__

Michael was gripping the sheet firmly now, so firmly that he thought for a minute it would give away. Split in two.

 

_So, before I leave, I wanted to thank you for being there for me. I'm sorry for snapping at you at Jersey Mike's, I'm not used to people caring._

_Maybe that's why I'm writing this pathetic letter. Maybe it's because you care. Maybe it's because I care about you. I honestly have no clue._

_It's 1:23 PM and I'm sitting at my desk, holes and all, writing the last thing I will ever write. This is so cliché._

_You know, just now, a controller fell from its place on the bookshelf? I wonder if it will still be lying there while you're reading this._

__

Michael looked to his right. And there is was, no doubt, a white Xbox controller lying face down next two the yellow bookshelf. Tears welled in his eyes.

__

_____ But anyways, Michael Jones, thank you for being the one to cheer me up when I was down. Or at least, the one to try. You were the person I leant on the most after Dan died, althought it must not have seemed like it.  _

____ _ _

It felt like Michael's chest was caving in. He gasped for air. Tears streaming down his doubtlessly red cheeks, making his face damp and irritated. 

 

_________ It just feels like I'm rambling now, so, I'll leave it at that.  _

_I love you, Michael. Be happy. Find a girl. The girl. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Never let her go.  -Gavin_

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

At this, Michael choked back a sob. 

Michael didn't want _a girl_. He didn't want _any girl_. He didn't want _any boy_. He wanted _Gavin Free_.

And it took the one he loved's suicide note to make him realize that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end, guys, I promise. I have many, many more chapters up my sleeve.  
> This chapter is short because I felt it needed to be. Short and sweet.  
> Yes, the note is very out of character for Gavin, but you have to remember, that's the point. No one is the same after their boyfriend has died. Also, add depression onto that.  
> A new chapter should be out soon. I've already started working on it.  
> Feedback is widely appreciated, good or bad. (:


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael is frantic to make sure his boy is okay and Gavin makes a decision.

_"The bitches will love this." Dan stated as he slipped on his mask._ Gavin heard himself chuckle. 

He paused the video on a perfect shot of Dan's face. He brought his shaky fingers to the screen, right where Dan's cheek would have been if it hadn't only been a video. He gave a sad smile.

He would never make another Slow Mo Guys video. He couldn't. Not without Dan. 

Gavin turned his face into the already tear-stained pillow. 

* * *

Drenched in panicked sweat, Michael's hands would not hold his goddamn phone. He cursed under his breath as it slipped from his fingers for the thousandth time. When he placed the device back to his ear, it was only the voice of Gavin's answering machine. He dialed the number again.

"Pick up, goddammit!" Michael shouted, but his voice cracked on "goddammit" and he knew that Gavin was not going to pick up, anyways. He turned to Geoff whose eyes were glued to the road, but his mind was somewhere else. Tears streamed his cheeks and every so often he would futilely wipe his cheeks with his hand, but more replaced the previous rapidly. 

Michael clenched the note in his left hand. Gavin's note. The words replayed in his head and Michael wanted to cry out. 

* * *

The Brit paced his dim bedroom. A million thoughts coursed through his head.

"Shut up!" He shouted, pressing his palms to his temples. His stomach flipped and his heart pounded so hard he thought it might just spring through his rib cage. Gavin sat at the brink of his bed as he thought he might faint. 

"Fuck." He whispered to himself. "Pull it together. Pull it together. You can do this." So, he stood, rocky but determined. He made his way to the desk in the far left corner where, inside a thwarted drawer, a picture sat. It was of Dan and himself. The week he came to Austin. He had just gotten off his flight, he was convinced he looked like shit. But Gavin protested adamantly. 

_Gavin paced the aisles of chairs impatiently, making Geoff irritable._

_"Gavin, would you please sit down for fucks sake?"  He grumbled, still looking down at his phone. Gav snapped at him under his breath, but sat lazily two seats down. He crossed and uncrossed his legs actively. Geoff was fuming._

_"I'm going to take a piss." He stated before audibly stomping away from the young, eager Brit. At this, Gavin stood again, walking up and down the aisles slowly._

_Gav heard faint footsteps behind him, but didn't turn around. It was probably just Geoff returning._

_"Miss me?" He heard in his right ear before firm arms snaked around his waist and a chin sat on his shoulder. He jumped a bit, but relaxed when he noticed the promise ring on the left hand that was wrapped around him. He breathed out a laugh and turned to face his boyfriend._

_"You crazy pleb." Dan laughed and planted a kiss on Gav's lips._

_"I love you, too." He joked and Gavin smiled as he held onto his firm, yet huggable partner. He looked up at his soldier with a grin. He hadn't seen him in 2 months and at this point he didn't care who was watching._

_"Stop looking at me like that, I look absolutely gutted." To which Gavin rolled his eyes._

_"Shut up, you tosser. You look adorable as always." Dan rose an eyebrow._

_"Are you, Gavino Free, lying to me?" He spoke in forged shock. Gav placed his hand on his lover's face, using his thumb to smooth out the worry creases on his forehead._

_"I could never lie to you. You look stunning, babe." Dan rolled his eyes, but pecked Gav's lips anyways. There was a flash and then laughter._

_"Can't wait to show this to the guys." Geoff laughed and Gavin muttered at him to "Fuck off."_

_  
_Gavin nearly collapsed right there in the middle of his bedroom. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. He had to do this. So, he clutched the picture tightly and made his way to the bathroom.

* * *

Michael had to rub at his eyes the whole drive, just to keep tears from falling. The phone in his hands was endlessly dialing Gavin, to no avail. 

Michael couldn't lose his boy.

Gavin Free made him laugh more then any person he'd ever met in his life. His best friend. The one he loved. And when Geoff pulled into the driveway, before the car even came to a full stop, Michael stumbled out of the vehicle and ran to Gavin's door where he knocked frantically. 

* * *

Gavin's face was dry as he held the pills in his palm. He was happy, even. All he could think about was seeing Dan. He would see Dan again, right? He didn't know for sure, no one does, but he had to hope. 

He sat on the frigid tile, leaning against the bathtub. He set the picture beside him, one palm placed over it. The pills in his hand were lovely. So many different colors, shapes, sizes. He smiled. 

And that's when he heard it. 

The knocking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to add more to this chapter, but I figured I should just release it as it is.  
> Ah, okay I know it's been almost 2 months, in which I'm sorry. But, guys, I'm not good at this whole thing.  
> But anyways, feedback is widely appreciated. Thank you guys for waiting, I guess.


End file.
